Exhaustion

My mother had back surgery this past week, and I stayed at the hospital over Wednesday and Thursday night to make sure she was okay (which she is). If you add the sleep I got together from both of those nights you would come up with a sadly small number. Like a number that is less than the amount of sleep most people get in one night.

This had an unintended benefit though.

Let me explain: I am a shy person. I always have been, and am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I always will be. In most social situations I am the quiet girl sitting in a corner with her nose in a book wanting to be left alone.

That being said, I am part of a book club, and this tends to make things interesting. I joined because my friend started the club and I thought it would be good to read books out of my usual comfort zone (we mostly read YA fantasy with a dash of romance. Not my usual forte). When we meet I normally don't say much, maybe a sentence or two the whole meeting.

What does that have to do with lack of sleep, you ask? Well hold on to your pantaloons because I'm getting there.

So this past Friday was the book club meeting for this month. Despite the fact that I was going on very little sleep or coherency, I didn't want to flake, so I went.

It was like I was a completely different person. I was suddenly a person who could hold down a conversation with a normal person with out stuttering or mumbling (too much) or freezing up. I had the thought of 'this is what it must be like to be normal.'

It's like the sleep deprivation shut off the filter in my brain. I didn't care if I sounded stupid, heck at that point I wouldn't have cared if Cthulhu had risen from the depths and asked me for directions. I just didn't care.

Later Brad made the point that he was impressed, I think I made have made ducky noises back at him (I was pretty far gone by that point). But then he bundled me off to bed, and I woke up my old self the next morning. It got me thinking, if I had the chance would I want to be like that all the time?

I don't think I would.

The world needs quiet people, otherwise who would be there to listen?

Cycle of Doom!!

As most of you know, I have severe anxiety...uh...issues stemming from some stuff that happened about 5 years ago, and some more stuff that happened while I was a kid. I would like to take some time today to discuss my anxiety, in a humorous way of course, as a cathartic exercise.

Recently my anxiety has been a little cyclical, and looks something like this:



Let's break it down, shall we:

Things that cause Megan anxiety:

Crowds,

Clowns,

Public speaking,

Non-public speaking,

Spiders,

Any other insect/arachnid (with the exception of rolly-pollies and ladybugs),

Feeling guilty,

Yelling,

Loud noises,

Global Warming,

Global Cooling,

Bills,

Money,

Things not being in straight lines, or being out of order,

So yeah, I am pretty much anxious all the time. Unless I find a way to get fabulously wealthy and surround myself with puppies and kittens (and a cleaning staff for said puppies and kittens), I am going to stay anxious too.

Panic Attacks:

In all seriousness, something causes me to have a panic attack at least once a day (usually more). Panic attacks are awful. I feel like I am dying and there is nothing I can do about it. My chest gets tight, I can't breathe, my heart races. The worst part is most times I am so freaked out I forget to do the breathing exercises I am supposed to do. I have only passed out like once or twice. On a good note, if I do pass out, it returns my breathing to normal.

The Shame:

Aaahh, the shame. I am ashamed by my own ability, or more accurately lack of ability, to control my panic attacks. I am embarrassed that I have to turn down stuff that I used to love, and the fact that I have to plan my whole life around my panicky-ness.

The Guilt:

I feel guilty pretty much all the time. I feel guilty that I am not able to work in a public job, that Brad, and the rest of my friends, have to deal with me, I feel guilty that I am not pulling in any money, I feel like I should be able to handle things (even thought I can't).

So there you go. Now I don't want you all to think that my life is all bad, because it's not. There are just some things that I am working on changing.

Tomorrow, a happy subject. See you then peoples!